About three weeks ago I was told off by a friend who is also a colleague. He put his “I’m telling you as a mate” hat on and told me that I needed to bloody well start saying “no” and that to my surprise, I wasn’t perfect and couldn’t do everything. Well thanks. There goes my unattainable dream of being able to work a full-time job, parent three high-octane unique special little monsters, contribute towards the greater good through community work, be the perfect wife, run a household that after a good vacuum, a flick around the loo with the toilet duck and freshly baked batch of dairy and gluten free delights could feature in a glossy mag, and get to the gym every day for a couple of hours to ensure I can wear a bikini this summer (hahahahaha!)
I feel like a fraud and a phoney. Who am I trying to be? Who the hell actually am I? Needless to say I’m a bit lost.
A couple of weeks ago we had a rather awful morning school run. You know the kind: refusal to get out of bed, picky breakfast eating, unbelievably slow dressing process, the cat puked on the floor and the dog ate it, late out the door and all a tad grumpy. We arrive to a friend and fellow mum who looked and my disheveled appearance and smiled. A bit of small talk later I left school for work wondering what in hell was so funny? Pick-up time and we cross paths again. She said to me how frickin wonderful it was to see that I was having a shit morning (charming). Another mum chimed in that I always looked so in control, happy and worry free with these perfect children (hahahaha). At this point I lost it – I laughed my arse off. If only they had seen the drama and chaos that unfolded that morning. After we all shared a few “how shit is parenting?” stories I left for home feeling like a human being again relaxed that my friends saw that I was actually just like them and not some pretentious Betty Crocker Martha Stewart wannabe. So back to the million dollar question, what am I doing here? With this?
When we moved out of town and into a rural community we wanted a better life for our family. We wanted to get out of the stress, fast-paced and expensive lifestyle that engulfed us. Coming home to tired kids after a stressful day at a rather un-fulfilling job was not working. For either of us. The kids were becoming materialistic and our family values were diluted and needed serious re-adjustment. We found a piece of paradise to rent whilst we settled into the community and here we would stay. Something was still not right. Things weren’t changing – we liked to have think they had but alas, t’was not the case. I’ve have been slogging my arse off trying to be make a go out of simplifying our lives (getting back to grass roots, self-sufficiency and trying to convince the kids that there’s a whole world to explore outside) and feeling worse! What. The. Actual. F……?
When I started this blog I had a dream of being this beacon of perfection on all things homely. I was seriously delusional. I had a go at it (made some preserved lemons and herb salt for Christmas presents) and then it fell by the wayside. There was no time between work, kids, work, kids, laundry, work, kids…and what exactly was I working for? It was stressful as hell and we were spending more money on food and conveniences because of all the late nights we were having. The kids were absorbing the stress and tension and it was affecting their emotional stability. This carriage had certainly turned back into a pumpkin. And started to rot.
So I’ve chucked it in. As of the last day of term this year I’m done. Finished. Chuckin in the towel.
I’m a little terrified looking at the finance side of things. We’ll need a serious budget overhaul and a tightening of the purse strings, but I feel that we can make a huge saving in our food costs by hitting the home vegetable patch hard. We’ve got a sleep-out which I’m going to convert into a studio and start making simple crafts to sell (a simple pleasure that I haven’t been able to do for ages) and sell excess produce at the two local community markets we have here to supplement hubby’s income. I’m going to be able to fully support the learning needs of our three kids (one has dyslexia and the other is more than likely Asperger’s) who are quite diverse, and support our small school (total roll of 17. That’s right. 17 students). Plus, I’ll be able to become more involved in local community initiatives.
This blog is going to become a diary of my experiences on this new journey. There’ll be a large chunk of gardening stuff as it’s a passion that I’m developing, with a focus on organic self-sufficiency. And I’ll use it as a platform to share interesting things I come across.
Let’s hope it works this time. I think it will. I have a good feeling about it this time!